Jesus Loves Fisting Bono

Bono, anally fisted by Christ at various gigs

Shock revelations rocked the foundations of Christianity yesterday, as it was revealed that their Lord and Saviour, their head honcho, Mr. J. Christ (2007), of Palm Springs, CA. admitted to stalking Irish rock star and legendary arse, Bono. The news didn't end there, however, it was revealed that Jesus H. Christ claimed a 'relationship' with Bono and that He fisted Bono in public, regularly. He even cited his favourite type of lubricating gel, "the anaesthetic kind, you know, for when they put in catheters. It just eases the way." The Christian world reeled in confusion and panic following the announcement.

Mr. Christ's predilection for sneaking up on the star unawares, while Bono was performing on stage, in interviews or generally making a horses arse of himself and ramming His tightly clenched fist up Bono's vulnerable and unprotected anus has alienated Christian believers globally. Bono admitted that their "relationship" had been going on for some time and that he didn't see it as blasphemous, or wrong in the slightest. When questioned whether receiving from the Son of God was appropriate behaviour for two people very much in the public eye, he replied, "we're both consenting adults. Are you judging the Son of God?"

The first incident took place while Bono was performing with U2 on Saturday 18th June at the Twickenham Stadium in London. A witness stated, "He [Christ] just ran on stage in nothing but his sandals and rammed His divine fist up Bono's arse as he sang, I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For." Bono praised his security staff after the incident, saying that his security team was exceptional and "how were mere mortals supposed to stop the son of God getting through, anyway?" A security insider informed us that they'd actually been told to stand down by Bono prior to the first 'attack' and that Bono had been expecting divine intervention at the concert that night. "He [Bono] had this funny little smile on his face afterwards" said one security guard. "He always has that" said another. The security staff were also warned not to interfere with Mr. Christ's mission by His Father, God. God declined to comment beyond stating (before slamming the door in this reporter's face) that he'd "warned Bono to cut out that pseudo religious crap he's been spouting for years." Through the window, I asked him if he would comment on whether his Son's apparent and continuing gay-sado-fisting relationship with Bono had gone beyond the precepts of His original 'mission'. He responded by threatening to throw a couple of nearby planets at me if I didn't get off his lawn.

The Catholic church refused to comment. They all just stood there with their hands over their ears and their eyes closed singing "LA LA LA LA LA LA LA WE CAN'T HEAR YOU LA LA LA..."

Bono's closing statement was "I have finally found what I was looking for."

The Edge looked on, sternly.

~Rev. St. Syn, KSC