GOD WILL STRIKEDOWN THIS WICKED MESSAGE BOARD WITH PLAGUES AND DROUGHT AND FAMINE IF YOU DO NOT POST MY ARTICLE ON THE FRONT PAGE:

JACK T. CHICK'S GUIDE TO PRINCIPIADISCORDIA.COM POSTERS
by Jack T. Chick

THE WHORE OF BABYLON, A.K.A. ERIS A.KA. THE MGT.: FOUNDED THIS MESSAGE BOARD WHEN SHE FELL FROM HEAVEN WITH ALL THE OTHER LESSER DEMONS

ELDORA, ORACLE OF SATAN: ELDORA AND THE 30 OF HER RELATIVES ARE ALL DESCENDED FROM THE MGT'S UNHOLY BLOOD. THEY RULE THE "CHAOTIC" BOARDS WITH A HIPPIE GYNOCRACY THAT SENDS PEOPLE TO THE ANARCHIST DISCORDIAN GULAG IF THEY DON'T LISTEN TO JOHN LENNON AND ACTIVATE POWER CRYSTALS WITH THEIR CHAKRAS. IM NOT GOING TO BOTHER TO LIST OFF ALL OF HER DAEMONSPAWN, BUT NEEDLESS TO SAY, THEY HAVE SUCCUBUS-LIKE BEAUTY AND LURE MEN INTO THEIR HOUSES TO DEVOUR THEM WITH VAGINA DENTATA

THE GOOD REVEREND ROGER: NOTHING IS KNOWN ABOUT THIS MAN OTHER THAN THAT HE SPENDS 30 HOURS A DAY MAKING SNARKY POSTS ON MESSAGE BOARDS AND THAT HE USES SATANIC MAGIC TO CHANNEL THE GHOST OF A SAVAGE TONGAN. DON'T BE CONFUSED BY HIS NAME AND THE FACT THAT HE WRITES "SERMONS", THIS FELLOW WAS CERTAINLY NEVER ORDAINED BY A CHRISTIAN CHURCH AND SHOULD BE AVOIDED IF POSSIBLE

TURD FURGESON: CHANGES HIS NAME EVERY FIVE MINUTES BECAUSE HE NEVER GOT A PROPER BAPTISM, FOUNDED THE NEW SOVIET RED ARMY, LIVES IN MAINE DUE TO HIS CRIPPLING ADDICTION TO FORNICATING WITH LOBSTERS. HE OWNS A "PIZZERIA", BUT ONLY TO ABDUCT TEN YEAR OLD BOYS TO PUT THEM IN HIS HOMOSEXUAL SEX DUNGEON. HE AND THE GOOD REVEREND ROGER MAKE 50 POSTS A DAY MAKING FUN OF THINGS EVERYONE ON THE BOARD LIKES, WHICH WORKS, BECAUSE DISCORDIAN MEANS "EMO DRAMA FAG"

IRREVEREND HUGH: IS OVERWHELMED ABOUT POWERFUL MASTURBATION FANTASIES INVOLVING BATS HAVING SEX WITH HUMAN FACES. (A REFERENCE TO HIS MASTER SATAN'S BAT WINGS) HE IS CURRENTLY IN A RIVALRY WITH ROGER AND TURD THAT WILL END IN A SADO-MASOCHISTIC, STEAMY, THREE-WAY HOMOEROTIC ADVENTURE

MALUAL: ONE OF THE MODS. IS BELIEVED TO HAVE SOLD HER SOUL TO SATAN IN EXCHANGE FOR HIM MAKING HER A CAT. STILL, I'D HIT IT

FNORDISCORDIA: ONE OF THE LEAST ASININE POSTERS ON THIS BOARD, BUT SERIOUSLY, TALK ABOUT AN UNORIGINAL NAME

LMNO: ALSO ONE OF THE LEAST ASININE POSTERS ON THIS BOARD, SOLD HIS SOUL TO THE DEVIL LIKE ROBERT JOHNSON AND JIMI HENDRIX. UNLIKE THEM, HE SHOULD BE ENTITLED TO A REFUND

DIL: TO PARAPHRASE CASEY KASEM; "THIS GUY'S FROM ENGLAND, AND WHO GIVES A SHIT?"

CHAPLIN SINATRA FONZARELLI: FILTHY STINKING SMEGMA-DRENCHED HIPPIE WHO SHOULD BE FORCIBLY STERILIZED BEFORE HE CAN SPREAD HIS MANGY SEED. SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU GODDAMN FAGGOT

VERTHAINE: THIS GUY MIGHT SERIOUSLY BE DEAD, SO OUT OF RESPECT, I'M NOT GOING TO DO ONE FOR HIM

FLUFFY THE BUNNY: THE BIBLE SAYS IF ANIMALS TALK, IT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE POSSESSED AND MUST BE DESTROYED

GNIMBLEY: THIS IS EITHER A D&D NERD WHO'S TAKEN SO MUCH PEYOTE WHILE LARPING HE THINKS HE'S ONE OF THE CREATURES FROM HIS MONSTER MANUAL, (A BOOK WITCHES USE TO SUMMON DEMONS) OR, MUCH MORE LIKELY, AN ACTUAL GNOME (GNOME = FALSE IDOL = DEMON)

DONKEYOTAY: IT'S OBVIOUS WHAT THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THE "DONKEY" PART OF HIS NAME IS, BUT AS FOR "OTAY", I ASSUME IT'S THE TRUE NAME OF A DEVIL USED TO BANISH IT TO THE 9TH LEVEL OF HELL

DEVIL SQUIRREL: I LIKE DEVIL SQUIRREL BECAUSE HER NAME IS HONEST. IF EVERYONE ELSE ON THIS BOARD WAS EQUALLY CANDID ABOUT THEIR EXTRA-PLANAR ORIGINS, WE'D HAVE 50 PEOPLE NAMED "DEVIL NERD", "DEVIL ASSHOLE" AND "DEVIL FAGGOT"

N'YO BÈ, TERRORIST ZENJA: 20 YEARS AGO, IF I HAD MET SOMEONE LIKE THIS GUY IN REAL LIFE, I'D ASSUME HE'D HAVE TAKEN TOO MUCH LSD, AND HE'D PROBABLY BE 60 YEARS OLD, COVERED IN URINE-SOAKED GOODWILL CLOTHES, AND SPORTING A TED KAZCYNSKI BEARD, AND A SHOPPING CART FULL OF SODA CANS. HOWEVER, HE'S PROBABLY REALLY JUST A 14-YEAR-OLD NERD TRYING TO BE WACKY AND CHAOTIC. THE ACCENTED "E" IN HIS NAME IS AN OBVIOUS HOMAGE TO POKÈMON

HOSHIKO: SUMMONS ZOMBIES OR SOMETHING, WITH THE POWER OF SATAN. I'M TIRED OF TYPING "WITH THE POWER OF SATAN", I THINK I'M GOING TO START COPYING AND PASTING IT.

GRAMPA KAOS: POSTS THE MESSAGE BOARD EQUIVILANT OF TOFU, WITH THE POWER OF SATAN

AGENT COMPASSION: SOMEHOW I OVERLOOKED HER. LIKE EVERY FEMALE ON THE DISCORDIAN FORUM, SHE'S SOMEHOW REALLY HOT DESPITE BEING NERDY ENOUGH TO POST HERE, ASSUMABLY WITH THE POWER OF SATAN

HORAB: MISSPELLS HIS POSTS WITH THE POWER OF SATAN, OR BECAUSE HE'S TOO BUSY JACKING OFF WILDLY TO CARTOON PORN TO CHECK HIS SPELLING

BELLA: MODERATOR OF "ERIS' BAR AND GRILL", WHICH CONTROLS THE BANKS ALONG WITH THE JEWS

MAO TIAN NOODLE: A 17-YEAR-OLD CONCUBINE WHO'S COLLECTIVELY OWNED BY THE ENTIRE DISCORDIAN SOCIETY, WHO TAKE TURNS SEXUALLY ABUSING HER. THEY COULDN'T WAIT LIKE SIX MONTHS FOR HER TO BE LEGAL? THESE PEOPLE HAVE NO RESPECT FOR GOD'S AUTHORITY OR MAN'S.

BUDDHA'S GHOST PENIS: THIS IS A REFERENCE TO A FAMOUS BUDDHIST LEGEND WHERE BUDDHA, GOD OF THE ASIANS, DECIDES, LIKE EVERY CHINAMAN DOES AT ONE POINT IN HIS LIFE, TO MAKE LOVE TO A CROCODILE'S MOUTH. HE HAD PHANTOM PAINS FROM WHERE HIS PENIS USED TO BE FOR HIS WHOLE LIFE, WHICH ALLOWED HIS ENEMY HADES TO DEFEAT HIM WHEN THEY BATTLED ON MJOULNER

AINI: A MINOR IMP THAT SATAN USED TO PESTER THE DEMON-WORSHIPPERS ON THIS BOARD SO THEY WOULD STAY IN LINE, UNTIL SHE BETRAYED THEM AND JOINED AL-QAEDA

REVERAND WHAT'S-HIS-NAME?: MORE LIKE "REVERAND WHO-GIVES-A-SHIT?" THAT SNARKY ENOUGH FOR YOU?

ZURTOK KHAN: THIS GUY'S A SCATOLOGICAL FETISHIST AND ANOTHER STUPID HIPPIE WHO RAMBLES ON MEANINGLESSLY LIKE A SENILE OLD WOMAN. HE, ELDORA, AND FONZ NEED A VISIT FROM KINDLY OLD DOCTOR TIRE-IRON-OVER-THE-HEAD TO SPEED UP THEIR RELOCATION TO HELL

SYNAPTYX: LIKE ALL BRITISH PEOPLE, HE GETS OFF ON STIRRING HIS TEA WITH HIS PENIS. HAS A WEBSITE THAT LOOKS PRETTY, BUT NO ONE READS IT BECAUSE MOST DISCORDIANS ARE ACTUALLY ILLITERATE

MERLIN OF CHAOS: MERLIN IS IN HELL FOR BEING A FALSE PROPHET

BARON VON HOOPLA:HIS AVATAR IS ACTUALLY A PICTURE OF HIM. HE MASTURBATES IN HIS CAR WHEN COLLEGE GIRLS IN BIKINIS GIVE IT A CHARITY CAR WASH

CAIN: USED TO BE NAMED "SCRIBE", BECAUSE HE SCRIBED SCROLLS TO CAST DEMONIC SPELLS, NOW HE'S NAMED "CAIN" BECAUSE HE'S A CAINITE WHO EATS BABIES. (SEE BEOWULF FOR MORE DETAILS) I THINK HE'S SCOTTISH OR SOMETHING, WHY ARE THERE SO MANY UNCIRCUMCISED EUROPEAN HIPPIES ON HERE? OH, I'M NOT EVEN TRYING ANY MORE, MAKE UP YOUR OWN DAMN INSULTS

IF ANY GOOD WHOLESOME CHRISTIAN FOLK SEE ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS IN A DARK ALLEY, EITHER RUN OR ATTEMPT AN EXORCISM